Stephen L. Burns     Welcome to the Amish Disco

Well, here you are at the Stephen L. Burns web pages, nestled away in a dark corner
of my wife Sue-Ryn's business site. Why does it say  Welcome to the Amish Disco
up there? Because of the level of attendance and excitement I figured this place will generate
back when I built it. Would that my foresight worked equally well along other avenues.
Anyway, think of this place by that name if you like. I won't mind.
Dance if you like. Beards and bonnets are optional. Same for buggies. Tie your
horses up where you like. We're heading into another election year. The extra shit
will never be noticed.

So here we are skidding into 2007, a wail of mixed relief and dismay breaking from
our throats, our Condition Oranged hair standing on end, on the crumbling verge of
having the word dystopia be a word every school-child must learn to spell by age six.
I was lucky, and didn't learn it until age eight, and then mostly because the teacher at
the one room schoolhouse I attended believed in vocabulary with an almost militant 
Islamist fervor. Those were the days, huddled bewildered under our desks for A Bomb
drills, our paranoia a different flavor then.

But enough welcoming cheer. Chances are, if you recognize my name it's from having
your mind poisoned by some of my work. Maybe one of my many short stories put
your brain in a knot, or maybe  you were one of those few wonderful people who
bought one of my 2  novels. I won't let you see me naked, not unless I know you
have at least a C note to stuff in my thong. But I can give you a brief, blurry
glimpse inside my head and world.

At left is an award I  received recently,  the
prestigious Happek/Staufie. This award was given
for acts  of writing masochism above and beyond
the fabled insanity defense, and continuing to write
novels, even though the Kafkaesque state of publishing
and my career has made that an exercise in futility of
the most exquisite sort. I was told it was that lovely
plated rocket, or a straightjacket.
Thanks to the Academy! It's an honor!

The cover at left is from that first novel, Flesh and Silver, winner of the 2000
Crompton Crook/Stephen Tall Award. Click on it for a better look and for an 
excerpt. It's on sale here and elsewhere. It's the story of a very special sort of 
surgeon in the far future; a man with a bad past and no future.
Then in the darkest of places he finds the people--and one particular person-
who will give him a reason to live once more. Now out of print, it may still be found at
some bookstores and maybe on eBay.

This is a copy of the Russian edition of Flesh and Sliver. As is typical of
my career, the Russian agent who handled the sale took off with the
money--and what was due some other authors. But I finally did make
 hardcover. I don't read Russian, so I don't know how good a job they did.
If they did a Smirnoff job I can be at peace.

  My two novels are also coming out in Italian soon. Bene! No covers yet.

At left is the cover of my second novel, which came out August,2000. The name 
of it is 'Call from a Distant Shore'. Click on the cover for a better look and an
excerpt. This book is a lot funnier and faster-moving than my first --and yet just
 as moving. It's the story of several very different people who all find themselves
 experiencing something very strange: a voice in their heads asking them for help.
An alien voice, wanting them to help rescue it from one of the moons of Mars.
Of course at first they can't believe it . . . 

CALL is out of print, but may still be found at a bookstore or two.
It got good reviews, and was a finalist for the 2001 Philip K. Dick Award for best original 
paperback novel. It sank like a rock. Here are what a few reviewers said about Call:

SF Chronicle said: "Burns demonstrates considerable skill in characterization as well as
plotting, and develops the suspense quite nicely. A refreshingly straightforward and highly
entertaining near future adventure."  A very good review, and the first to come out.

Analog said:  "-an intriguing premise, a nice cast of characters, and a well-thought out plot
guaranteed to keep you  entertained." This was a long, very good review. The lead review,
at that. So good that I regret the biological impossibility of bearing Tom Easton's children.

Locus said: "-a recipe for fun, full of unusual romantic pairings, bad jokes, space travel, and
hard-hitting action."  

Romance Times said: "Fans who appreciate quality science fiction with quirky characters and
ironic humor will get a kick out of CALL FROM A DISTANT SHORE... Mr. Burns challenges
our imaginations with rapid-fire adventure and intelligent wonder."

Usually a couple of my stories run in Analog Magazine at the end of every year. 
The most recent are  'Capture Radius', February '03, and 'Short Line Loco', which
ran in the January/February 2004, Smiling Faces in Hog Heaven from October '05,
and The Face of Hate from the January/February '07  issue.
My story 'Look Away' from the May '02 issue of ANALOG  made the preliminary
Nebula ballot, but not onto the final ballot. It did win as best Novelette in the ANALOG
AnLab Polls. I believe that  'Capture Radius' was the 30th story  published in ANALOG.
This record means that  I'm  a member of the MAFIA, or  Making Appearances Frequently 
In Analog. We mean no harm, and only a few of the members are armed.

No story collection. You have to almost be in a position to ruinously  blackmail
a publisher to get  a collection published these days.  At the end of this page is a
link to a listing of all my published works
Some of my short fiction from years back is available for low cost download
from Fictionwise. Check it out! More of my older stories should become 
available there over time.

 I drop in semi-regularly at the Analog forum/discussion board at  
http://www.analogsf.com  

My latest misadventure was a year-long stint as one of the judges/jurists for the latest
round of the  Philip K. Dick Award. I got recruited largely because I didn't
win last year's award; I believe my title is Designated Dick Loser.

BORING PERSONAL TRIVIA

Well, I'm  53, just shy of 5'8", and because I'm 
camera-shy (and reluctant to frighten small children), the
picture at left is of  crow tracks in the snow across our
pond. Gaze on this image and think deep, philosophical
thoughts about the impermanence of life, fame, and the
printed word for an underpaid scrivener.
 I've been happily married to herbalist and  perfumer 
Sue-Ryn for seventeen years now. No kids, just our dog Chloe,
 and a cat who can be seen on the  Catnip Mice page of  this
 web site [the preceding  link included for all the cat lovers out there,
 and a shameless plug for my wife's business, Hill Woman]. 

As is typical for Analog writers, I have a buzzcut on top and a foot and a half of ponytail
in the back, a little soul patch under my lower lip, an earring --no, wait, I guess I look more
like someone who should be writing for an alternative music magazine--or paying off
the student loans which got him a degree in Philosophy by flipping burgers.
Those rare times I stay in a hotel the staff almost is invariably convinced I'm with the
band. Every winter I lock myself in, and between late December and early to mid-April
write at least six full hours a day,  seven days a week, doing my best to crank out a year's
worth of writing in 3 and a half months. Brain damage? You bet!

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?

I'm just finishing up another writing season. I got a late start this year, and after writing a 
couple short stories, have have jumped in to rewriting a novel written the winter
of '06, and another written in '05, trying to find an an agent, and doing my best to
stave off despair.

JUST THE FAQs

Where do I get my ideas?
All sorts of weird places. Words. Phrases. Jokes. Snatches of music. Jokes. Nature programs.
Odd bits picked up in reading. The Notions Department of my local Five & Dime.
Do I spend a lot of time drawing up outlines and that sort of crap?
Never. More often than not when I sit down and begin a story I haven't got the
faintest idea of what  I'm going to write. All I may have is a character, or the shape
of an idea, or a mood. Story notes for me consist of a half dozen words scrawled
on a post-it note I'll probably lose anyway. I just sit there and wing it, although
once I have a firm grasp on my  characters--or they have a firm grasp on me--
it tends to come together.
Did you take any Creative Writing courses? Not a one. Does it show?
Why aren't you  seen at many conventions? Because I'm poor, cheap, insanely busy
most of the time, and fairly antisocial. Balticon was an aberration. Chicon was an aberration
Capclave was an aberration.. Now  I'm normal, and will stay home a while.
Is Stephen L Burns your real name? Yes. I almost started out writing under a 
pseudonym, and still quite often wish I had. The one I planned to use was Eliza Little. 
 If the bean-counters keep screwing with me  I still may have to start using one.
If you see a novel by Eliza Little, grab it!
What are your political leanings? I consider myself a Miss Manners Anarchist.
Do you have a personal philosophy? I consider myself a Pessimistic Humanistic Misanthrope.
A religion? Thank God, no.
What do you currently aspire to? Becoming the Lyle Lovett of Literature.
Think that will happen? If I had a pony . . .

I said this would be a little corner. But there are options.

Email and large unmarked bills may be sent to troll@hillwoman.com, but be warned,
I am glacially slow at answering email.
Hope to see you there,
If you would like to see a fairly complete listing of my published work, visit In Print

If you would like to visit my wife's business site (which I built and maintain)
and check out the fine selection of oils, herbal goods, incense, and other delights,
then use this link to the Hill Woman Home Page

Happy reading!

Updated February,  2007